laddonline.com :: article :: Scary shit :: I just rock :: Just something you wore

I really don’t dig the idea of online dating. Sure, it’s gotten more popular. It’s gotten safer. In a lot of ways, it’s gotten easier. But it can still be rather scary.

Several months back, out of boredom, I responded to an ad online. This wasn’t on some pay site like Match.com. This was Craigslist. You can find some neat things on Craigslist: a used motorcycle, jobs, even new loft apartments in Hollywood. You can also find people in their personals section. And unlike the pay sites, Craigslist is free.

This is the story of a girl I’ve since named “Hamster Shit”. I feel terrible about this, but I honestly can’t remember her real name. I met her on Craigslist, we exchanged pictures, we talked on the phone a few times. She seemed sweet.

One Saturday night I was going to head over to Jerry’s Deli on Ventura to grab a bite to eat. On a whim I decided to give this girl a call and see if she wanted to have a quick dinner. We hadn’t met yet, but figured it’d give us something low-key and fun to do. She was definitely interested, but wanted to know if she could bring a friend along. They were already planning to head down to a bar on Sunset and asked me to come along, too. She also didn’t want to go to Jerry’s and suggested a different restaurant. Her choice had me a bit worried.

I pulled into the parking lot of the Taco Bell on Ventura. She was standing outside her car, with her friend, as promised. I was a bit shocked: she looked nothing at all like her picture. All I could think of was “How could she drive that Geo Metro?” I don’t want to sound cruel, or crass, but I’m most certainly not exaggerating; this girl had about 200 pounds on me, and I’m not a small guy. Her friend, who was 10 years older than us, was quite sweet. She was also… shall we say, “mentally handicapped”?

Ah, hell with it. Her friend was dumb as a stump. Sweet, but slow.

Of course, I was a bit upset that she lied, but I decided to see the thing through. For a little while, at least. I don’t ever think I’ll forget what we ordered: I had a grilled stufft burrito; her friend had two chicken soft tacos; she had two chicken soft tacos, two gorditas, a chalupa, a nachos bell grande, a quesadilla and an order of pinto beans. And a diet Coke.

We all finished our food at the same time, then left.

In the parking, she announced that she wanted desert. The best place to go was a local grocery store, Gelsons, because they had good chocolate brownies. I decided to follow her there, instead of ride with her. I was thinking of just heading home until she said, “Now, don’t just drive off like all of the other guys do!” So, guiltily, I followed her to the store.

Not much happened at the store, other than her and her friend buying desert. She also decided to get some yogurt covered peanuts for her pet rat, Missy. She says Missy is sexy. After the store, she wanted to stop by her own place to give Missy (the sexy rat) her snack, and call another friend to go with us down to Sunset. Reluctantly, I followed, having not thought up a suitable excuse to go home.

She lived close to the grocery store so it was a short drive, only five or ten minutes. We pulled into the mobile home park and I parked in the visitor’s lot, just a short ways from where her mobile home stood. I thought that it couldn’t get much worse than this.

That was before I stepped inside and saw her floors, covered with bits and pieces of food (and a half-eaten sandwich!), and her furniture, covered with stained and dirty sheets.

She and her friend sat down on a covered couch. I found a spot on another couch whose sheet was covered with dirty clothes. I thought sitting on the dirty clothes was safer than sitting on whatever the hell those stains on the sheets were. She finished her food, fed her rat (Missy was so not sexy), then called her friend to see if she wanted to go down to Sunset Boulevard.

Now, I’ve gotta say, I’d long since decided that there was no way in hell I was going to hang out at a bar on Sunset with any of them. But if I hadn’t decided that by now, I certainly would have shortly after she picked up her hamster to play with it.

Because all of a sudden I heard her shout, “You little bitch!” She held the poor hamster up in one hand, stared at the other and said, “You shit all over my hand!” Then she wiped her hand off on her blouse.

That’s when, finally, I stood up, told Hamster Shit that I was just too tired to go anywhere tonight, and ran out of her mobile home.